Finals Week.

weellllllll.
its finals week. gross, gross and more gross.
i have FIVE finals. FIVE. my worst one is going to be psychology. thankfully that is my first one... tomorrow at 11am. and then. i have english and american heritage. my next two hardest. they're on wednesday. thursday is bom and friday is french, which should both be quite easy. ive been studying my guts out for psych. and im still quite sure i am going to do horrible. oh well. im sure i will get over it, and quickly.
other than that.
caleb has been up here. its been completely wonderful. i love it when that constant ache is gone. i just feel so much.. lighter. and happier. and just better. i dont think he fully understands how much i love him. actually, im not sure anyone does. i dont think i can fully understand. its amazing.
i cannot wait for two weeks of no work and no school. how great. hopefully this week will go by quickly.
ive been feeling a lot better. not so.... "emo" as collin might put it. no. i am not emo and never will be, but i just like how collin uses that word. anyhow. but i am still sometimes lonely. and.. a couple days ago i got so mad at myself. i expect so much out of people. i have very high expectations, especially of those that i love. and when they dont meet those expectations, i get extremely disappointed. but then, i have to realize that its just not in some peoples nature to do that sort of thing. its not them, and they wouldnt be themselves if they did that. so then i get mad at myself for expecting those things/becoming disappointed.
agh. i am such a confusing person. but only to myself. to others, i think (and hope), i am less confusing. and quite simple. not complex. but. im not sure. oh well.
that was quite a bit longer than i had originally planned. oh well. its good to get those kinds of things out.
...
...
i love him. :)

Hm.

Sometimes, it's ok. I mean, I miss him all the time. But somedays I'm ok, I know I will see him again soon. No worries. I love him, he loves me.
But other days, like today. I miss him so much, it all but consumes me. I just want him to be with me so much... I need him. He makes me feel like I'm complete. Like my life is perfect. I just need his arms around me right now.
I'm not sure what brings on these feelings...
I love him. So much.
I'm not sure how else to explain my feelings. I really can't.

Two Years

It's official. I cannot hug my best friend for two years.
I'm not quite sure what I'm gong to do. I have been crying for the last 1 1/2 hours. I thought I was prepared for this. But I'm definitely not.
There's really not much more to say.
He's gone. It makes me wonder how much worse it will be when Caleb leaves. I cannot even fathom what kind of break down I will have then.
Awful.
I am proud of him though, and so glad he's going. Don't worry about that.

Right Now.

I miss him.


There isn't much more I can say except that.
I'm terrified of Aaron leaving as well.
Sometimes I just feel so alone.
When i'm not with Caleb, I feel like something is missing. From my life, from me. And then, I see him, and spend time with him, and I feel completely whole. Like nothing could be better.
But the time we have is never enough. It's better than nothing. But I wish it was longer.
He amazes me.
Every touch, smile, look. It completely melts my heart. And I know that I am so far gone. And I love it.

Me.

I frustrate myself so bad. So bad. I can never get the right words to come out. Sometimes I feel literally unable to speak. And I get so mad at myself. All I want is to be honest with people, but it's like my body won't let me. Or my mind. I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'm terrified of being so vulnerable. My throat will close up and my heart will start pounding.
I keep things bottled inside. Maybe sometime, I might explode because of all the things I keep pent up inside. I'm not one to hold grudges, I'm also not one to explode or have an emotional outburst when I'm angry, mad, hurt, sad etc. I think. And think. And think somemore. Sometimes it really doesn't get better or worse. It will just sit there for me to dwell on. And I hate that fact. I share feelings readily. I will tell you random stories, or just little tid-bits of information about myself. I don't mind telling you most personal information about myself. But when it comes to my deep innermost feelings. I can not do it.
It's not that I don't want to talk to you, or tell you how I feel. I can't. And if I ever sound mad at you, it's because I am mad at myself for not being able to talk to you and tell you how I feel, no matter how much I want to. There is nothing more I want than to be completely honest and straightforward with you. I will be too. But not until my words start to come out more readily. I almost wish that sometimes you could read my mind. Read what I am thinking about. I wish... A lot of things. But right now it's my inability to communicate with you. To talk to you. To love you.

Téléfrancais! - Episode 1

Thought I would post my favorite way of learning French.. Telefrancais!
You're going to love it, I just know it. It's wonderful. J'aime le francais. :)

Hm.

Hm.
This week has been kinda crazy. Well,not really crazy. But long. At the same time it went by really fast. And there I go, contradicting myself as always. I'm rather skilled at that. I've been watching the first season of Heroes. So good. I love that show. A lot. And guess who got me into it? Caleb, of course. He basically influences everything I do. I would do anything for him. That's not figurative. It's literal. "Everthing I do, I do for you." That basically sums it up right there.
I miss him a ton. Of course. Everyone knows that. But it's true. I want him to be with me all the time. I hate that he's gone. But, it's ok. I know everything will work out. And we're lucky to be so crazy about each other. :)
I guess that's about all. Maybe i'll have something more exciting to say next time. Haha.
Oh, speaking of exciting. Last weekend when me, Caleb, Janae and Casey went to Cedar City. It was a party. And I loved spending the entire weekend with Caleb. That's been a rare thing since the school year ended. Even over the summer. But oh well. It's ok, like I said before.
Anyway. I'm gonna go hang out with Aaron tonight. Yay. He's such an awesome friend. It's almost ridiculous. I'm gonna freak out when he leaves. Just over a month.
Well. That's all for now.
Love.

Procrastination.... :)

So. Here I sit. I'm supposed to be studying for a mid-term. Writing a composition for French. Do video manuals for french, and well, something else I'm sure. Yay for homework in college. Anyway. I'm excited for this weekend. Going down to party in Cedar City with lots of my good friends. Shweet. Hm, what else?
My roommates are sooo crazy. They like get in mock fights and shove ice cream in each others mouths and yell and are like little kids! Me and Megan are the two quietest girls in our apartment and we always just sit there and look at each other. It's entertaining though. Good times. Weirdest thing is that one of my roommates has a brother that is my age. He's a freshman at BYU-I. Woah.
Well, I think that I should go do homework. I am being so entertained by Avril Lavigne's new CD. It's way funny. Well, ciao, as my other roommate would say. Hey, I live with them, it's no suprise I talk about them all the time. Haha.
Can't wait for Friday. I get to see Caleb! Yay. I miss him sooooooo much.
Love and all that stuff.

Oh Boy

There I went again, being all depressive like. I'm really not like that usually. It just comes out in my writing or something. Ah well. I'm happy I promise.
Oh my, like tonight, my roommates and I got so extremely hyper.
First off, the disposal in our sink freaked out and our whole sink backed up. Gross. But of course, we somehow found that hilarious. And we went and unscrewed the u bend or whatever its called part of it and drained it. Ew. And get this, there was a KNIFE in our pipes! Who knows what that was doing there. Haha. Good times. So then that prompted us to make up an apartment song. Wow. I love us so much. We get crazy.
This week I have like 3 tests to take. Yippee. But it will be fun. I'm gonna hang out with Ayisha and Aaron sometime. And on Friday we're going down to Ceder for the weekend. I am so so excited for that!
Oh my gosh! Peter and I hung out on Friday night, I have never been so entertained in my life! We did all sorts of crazy things. You'll just have to ask for me to tell you the whole story. But we definitely belted out fergie in his car, and basically just had some crazy times.
Hm. Well, that's about all. I love my life, I promise. :) I have the greatest friends ever.

Lonely...

I know why i've been so emotional. Ok, not why, but a reason. It's because i'm lonely. I mean, my best friend/boyfriend/favorite person in the entire world is living an hour away from me. That is the worst. Also, I don't have a really good friend that I can talk to that lives really close to me. Thank heavens for Ayisha, but still, she works and I can't expect her to drop everything for me. My other two best guy friends are, well, just doing their own thing. As much as I love them. It's just not the same. And they're not girls. (That's a good thing by the way.)
But still. Sometimes I just feel like everyone is drifting away, and i'm not getting anything in return. I lose friends but I don't gain them. It's awful. There is noone I can really turn to. The friends i've mentioned are awesome. Don't get me wrong. I love them so much. But, well, I don't know how to explain it.
So that's all I guess. Whoop de doo.

Separation Anxiety

Or separation hate. Or separation stress disorder. You can call it whatever you want to. The meanings are the same (to me.)

The meanings are clear and straight forward. When you're with the one you love, everything is great. The planets are aligned. But in the back of your head there is but one thought, "he's going to leave soon." And as much as you try to gear yourself up for this event, it never helps.

Because as soon as he leaves, your world crashes. Great heaving sobs come out of you. You feel ridiculous because you have never been this emotional before. You hate it. But at the same time you think, "isn't this a form of knowing that this is the person for you?" As much as you try to talk yourself out of this feeling, nothing helps. You can come up with a million reasons why you shouldn't feel this way, but none of them make sense to your emotions, or your heart.

Remember that old saying that goes, "absense makes the heart grow fonder?" I'd llike to amend that to, "absense makes the heart break and (yes i love you more than ever)" That's what they meant to say.

The tears fall harder this time. A little longer. And all you can do is count down till the next time he comes. It's all the more harder if you don't know when that will be.

All you can do is remind yourself that it is worth it. And that one day there will be no more anxiety, no more hate. Just the two of you. With no thought of separation.

After is Always Harder

its always worse right after i see him. i mean, i always miss him, but i get by when i haven't seen him for awhile, but after being with him for 24 hours... and being reminded how amazing he is and how i feel when im with him, it makes it all the more harder when i leave him again. ive been on the verge of tears since leaving.l i want him here. now. all the time. i love him. i really do. i want to fast forward like 3 years. ill be further through school. only a year left. caleb will be back from his mish. we'll be able to be together and not have to worry about impending separations and such. i want to be with him all the time. i miss him so much. i feel like part of me is gone. i feel kind of.. empty. i mean, i know who i am. im my own person without him. but hes still a part of me. im terrified of not being with him. i have that burning in my throat and an emptiness in my stomach.

Down at Snow!

So I went down to Snow yesterday to see Caleb. :) (with ayisha)

It was so much fun. Hyrum says he gives us four years till we get married. I was ok with that. lol. We went out to eat at the Malt Shop. And we played in the park. Which was way fun. And we watched movies and went to church. We had so much fun. Oh i just love him so much. It's crazy. I miss him a ton.

I wish he was up here. But oh well. Such is life. And everything goes ok anyway. I mean, we like each other enough. So it works.

What else? School's going pretty good. This up coming week is so busy. Everynight there's something going on. And its homecoming week as well.

Today.

today i went to my first french choir class. it was so much fun. im so excited to be singing again. and not to mention in french! its going to be awesome!
i am so excited to be going down to visit caleb at snow this weekend. i absolutely love ayisha for driving me down there, and going with me. :) its going to be fun. i miss caleb so much. especially some days. wow. so this will be fun. and ill get to see what snow is all about. haha.
hm. what else? did i mention that i love my roommates and my ward? i so believe that i was put in this place, at this time, with these people. they are so awesome. i love them so much.
well i best be doing some homework before peter comes over. he wants to come see my apartment. hes so cool.
so. here i am. most likely procrastinating some more. yay for that.

Some Days

some days i just want to break out and scream and let the whole world know how im feeling.
other days i want to keep everything bottled up deep inside.
i love everyone. i hate noone.
but some people really annoy me sometimes.
i am not a complicated person.
but i cannot express my emotions well, and therefore sometimes i am classified as such.
if you want to know something. just ask.
i might have to write you a note, but you'll get your answer soon enough.
i believe that we all have a purpose. and that we are placed where we are for a reason.
welcome to my blog. the online journal made just for me to let out my mad rants and raves.
some days.... i am anti-social. sitting at my apartment is good enough for me.
other days, i cant wait to get out. to party all night.
usually. i sit. waiting, hoping, dreaming.
thats me. take me or leave me. but im not changing.
not for you. not for anyone.